What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 12:00
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i lived it daily.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I write beautiful poetry .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Would this be the day?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it wasn’t much.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I will be 64.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What is the best way to end a relationship with someone who has future plans with you?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I have no regrets .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I said to her
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She found it foreign!.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
She was in good health!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It was going to be , some day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She loved him until the end.
Ive learnt so much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im still living with it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
All the time i was locked up.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Comes on , in middle age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She married twice! .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
This is soul school!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were not on the streets..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My life is so biszare .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Who then, do I blame.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
I think the readers, may guess!
But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She wouldn,t have been !
What did i know ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was seconnd youngest,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So whats the point in blame.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.